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An Artist Trapped Inside A Software Engineer

8/19/12 by Blackhole12
Updated 1/25/13

Almost a decade ago, I thought I wanted to make games. I began building a graphics engine for that purpose, since back then, there were almost no open-source 2D graphics engines using 3D acceleration. It wasn't until later that I discovered I liked building the graphics engine more than I liked building games.

Times have changed, but I continue to tinker away on my graphics engine while going to college and learning just how dumb the rest of the world is. In the most recent bout of astonishing stupidity, my country has decided it doesn't recognize political asylum for people it doesn't like. It wasn't until reality had begun a full-scale assault on my creativity and imagination that I truly understood why artists feel compelled to lose themselves in their imaginations.

My imagination. It is something I could not possibly describe in any meaningful way. Art exists because some things can't be described, they must be shown. And yet, few things in my imagination are my own. I hunt down talented artists and visionaries, lose myself in the worlds they constructed, then take everything out of context and reconstruct my own worlds, perhaps based on another artist's vision, using the same concepts. I construct multiple visualizations, art styles, and game elements. My mental stage is fueled by awesome music, music that launches my imagination into incredible creative sprees. Sometimes I craft incredible melodies of my own, but rarely are they ever truly expressed in any satisfactory way in my music.

My life is one of creative frustration. I became obsessed with computer graphics as a way to realize my vision, but I wasn't interested in simply learning how to 3D model (which I happen to be terrible at, like everything else). I don't see the world as CGI, I see the world through the lens of a GPU. I look at things and ask, how might I render that? My imagination is not a static picture or movie, its a world that meant to be explored. Sometimes I play games for the storyline, or the gameplay, but the one thing that has always grabbed me is the ability to explore. I played Freelancer for 5 years, installed hundreds of mods, and was constantly enthralled simply by the exploration, the enormous universe, finding new systems, and discovering new places.

I can't draw a leaf. But I can create a mathematical model of it. I can calculate the textures and patterns, the branching veins and how each has their own specular, diffuse and transfer lighting functions. I can build abstractions and simulations, genetic recombinations and simplex noise algorithms. After I build tools to procedurally generate all the elements of a world, maybe then I can bring my imagination to life. But then, it's not really my imagination, it's what other artists inspire in me. I want to get as close to an artistic vision as possible, and beyond. I want to expand their artistic ideas and make them into something that is truly beautiful and inspiring, a clear extension of their vision, where it's soul shines like a beacon instead of being buried under bureaucratic bullshit.

I am an artist who cannot draw. I'm a musician incapable of painting the sonic landscape of my imagination. I am a dreamer who has no dreams of his own. If I am a programmer, it is because programming is the only way for me to express my creativity. But programming itself is not simply a means to an end. Programming is my paintbrush, my canvas, and my palette. I know how to read x86 assembly. I have abused C++11 lambdas to create temporary closures that hold a mutable state. I've crafted architectures and APIs and object-inheritance schemes and functional undo/redo stacks and lockless queues and kd-trees. Programming is my art and my music, and every new language or algorithm I explore is another instrument for me to use when building my symphony.

Yet, many programmers hold little respect for alternative opinions. People who don't conform to strict guidelines are viewed as either terrible programmers or "cowboy" programmers destined to bring ruin to every project they touch. Everything must follow protocol, everyone must do things this way or that way. Instead of celebrating our diversity in programming languages, we viciously attack each other as using a "terrible language". Perhaps I have simply been inside a strange anomaly where everyone is obsessed with corporate practices and coding standards instead of building things.

Or perhaps I'm an artist trapped inside a software engineer.

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AarocaAaroca

8/21/12

I aspire to write novels. Yet I study visual arts and continue to haunt newgrounds.
I'm a Writer trapped inside Trolling Artist.

-Aaroca-
Fortunately trolling is fun and I've developed quite a knack for drawing hands.


AppleJackAppleJack

8/20/12

is this a unique experience of your own being a software engeneer, or could this be related to another persons view of being a software engineer?
and i love the way you wrote that story, really captivated me.

8/20/12 Blackhole12 responds:

That is a question I don't know the answer to.


SacrosSacros

8/19/12

too long didnt read

lol i just relate a bit

8/19/12 Blackhole12 responds:

lolwut readingz 4 chumps


FrozenFireFrozenFire

8/19/12

You're a T shaped individual. You have a wide range of computer based talents and then one of those skills is your real bread and butter. I wouldn't knock it. Use your unique way of thinking to create something amazing on your own, with your own standards.

Also..
Anyone who says they cannot draw has simply not put forth enough time and effort to practice. We all suck at first. I'm 100% sure you weren't coding at this skill level from day one.

8/19/12 (Updated 8/19/12) Blackhole12 responds:

But that mentality applies to every single skill in the world. The reason no one is good at everything is because our time is limited, and people with natural talents for certain things get an advantage. Certainly anyone can become good at something if they try hard enough, but it is usually a more wise use of our time to take advantage of our individual talents.

I *can* draw, a little bit, and I probably could have learned how to do art if I had worked at it but at this point I don't have the time to do so. It's hard for me to even compose music.


Wow, that was beautiful. I especially liked these lines:

*I can't draw a leaf. But I can create a mathematical model of it.*
*I am an artist who cannot draw. I'm a musician incapable of painting the sonic landscape of my imagination. *

Perhaps your talents are in writing as well :P

8/19/12 Blackhole12 responds:

I'm pretty good at writing. The problem is I'm terrible at plots and character development, and so all my attempts at stories had nice descriptions and pretty sounding sentences but were utter crap otherwise, so I spend my days writing blog posts instead.


While I can't relate to you from a programming perspective, I do feel your creative frustration.

I often feel as if my imagination is completely inaccessible. In my mind, I hear the most extraordinary, beautiful melodies. The orchestra I hear sweeps me away with its majesty, but no matter how hard I try, I can't make that sound tangible. My imagination is a spectacular world that only I can experience. It teases me with wonders that I can't share with the world.

Hoping to find a key that will unlock this creative potential, I've begun a search for knowledge. Music theory, counterpoint, orchestration, ear training, schenkerian analysis...I plan to explore all of these. Though I'm certainly improving at this craft of music composition, I've hardly been able to open up that door to the imagination. During late nights writing music in a half-conscious daze the door will occasionally open just enough for a bit of light to escape, and for a moment I'm able to transmute inspiration to tangible sound. Even then, it's only a small glimpse into what I hear internally.

My fingers set to the piano but cannot yet communicate the music in my mind and soul. The bridge between the two has not yet been erected, and perhaps it never will. But I try on and on, hoping...

Great post.

8/19/12 Blackhole12 responds:

I kind of just gave up trying to do that. I just make random cool shit and let all the talented people make music and focus my efforts on programming instead.


GimmickGimmick

8/19/12

I know that feel brah.